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Short
Steroid Association to Ban
Baseball
The North
American Group of Steroid Users (NAGSU) has announced it will no
longer allow its members to play baseball due to the popular sport’s
soft and unmanly nature. Since the first public
appearance of anabolic steroids on the professional baseball scene
in the early 90's, the NAGSU has become increasingly unhappy about
the rampant use of hormone-enhancing pills in baseball, a genteel
national pastime that the NAGSU despises due its reliance on finesse
and technical skill rather than blind brute force or random violent
aggression.
In a conference call from their
Venice Beach
compound, a grotesquely muscular spokesman, who announced himself
only as “Sven,” said that as of the 2005 World Series, the NAGSU has
completely banned baseball because of the “pussifying” impact it is
having on the world of steroid use.
“When kids today think of steroid users, all
they picture are highly-paid professional baseball players, and
frankly, that makes us want to vomit all over our spandex tank-tops. Most
muscle-enhancement takers have never even touched a baseball, let
alone played that nerdy game. The NAGSU is a collection
of overly-manly, physically-intimidating body builders and
high-school football players, not those baseball-playing nancy-boys
that steal the steroid spotlight. It’s crucial
that we put an end to this connection between steroids and baseball
so we can ensure that future users of synthetic muscle magnifiers
won’t fall into that destructive trap of hitting and fielding.”
Sven concluded by stating that all NAGSU members will
face random baseball-playing testings with specially designed “wuss-kits,”
which, through urine and breast milk analysis, can supposedly
determine whether a person has recently played baseball. Sven then
ended the interview by grunting loudly, lactating, and asking if
anybody could give him a spot.
This article written by
KD.
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