Between all the serial killers, suicide bombers, beltway snipers, and televangelists, the world is beginning to be a scary place to live. And since mankind can’t really live anywhere else except for this world, everyone needs to do all they can to preserve each other’s safety. This Studio 8 Safety Report should be a valuable tool in the fight against crime.

      Since Studio 8 is currently stationed near the campus of California State University, we decided to hold a Safety Forum in a classroom on campus. We invited CSU’s Dean of Various Things, Stanley Huffergrin, to say a few words about safety to start things off. If you missed out on that event, we have his speech transcribed below. After that, we’ll outline some things to remember whenever you are outside of your house. And after that, we’ll give you some in-depth safety tips that just might save your life. Or they just might not.

      So without further ado, the following is the speech that Dean Huffergrin made in front of an empty classroom that was supposed to be filled with concerned students, but we forgot to advertise where and when this speech was taking place:

Dean Huffergrin’s Address:

“Hello and welcome to the California Studio 8 University’s Safety Forum. I am Dean Stanley Huffergrin and I am the Dean of Various Things on this very campus. I want all of you to know that I am interested in the University caring about safety and taking a stand for a safe learning environment. This University wants safety. Some Universities don’t, but we do, OK?

We do not want our community to be a host to violence. I want to express that to you today somehow, though I don’t know how, exactly. Also, I hope to offer some generalized statements about being safe.

First off, let me tell you that I spoke to one or two officers in the Office of Campus Safety, and they want you to know that safety is a big priority for their office, as well as their officers. That settles that.

Over the next few weeks, we will be stationing “secret undercover safety officers” around campus in various locations to help keep an eye on students and faculty members who might be at risk of being stabbed or raped. Let me tell you where we intend to put these secret officers: In the Herget Hall parking lot, in several dorm rooms within the Pentagon Living Unit, in the basement of the abandoned indoor track, in the Student Union’s arcade (at the Tekken 3 machine), and inside my office.

Now to you, these officers will look like construction workers, grocery clerks, or foreign exchange students, but in reality, they are secret agents who are there to protect you. Cool, huh?

There’s a sign-up sheet in the back of the room for those who wish to become “secret undercover safety officers.”

Now, since 90% of criminals are men and 99% of those men are horny, I want to address the ladies in the room. Ladies, right now I’d like to touch on something I call ‘Strength in Numbers.’ I’m not going to talk about that. I’m just going to touch on it for a minute, all right?

Girls, if you go to the mall or the beauty parlor or the kitchen, you want to be safe, right? Of course you do! That’s why I suggest you follow my advice of ‘Strength in Numbers.’ This means that you only go out in public in large groups or packs and carry bats, knives, and maybe rifles, if you can afford them. Simple enough, ladies? Strength in numbers.

Here at CSU8.net, we want to educate about safety and about being safe, not about being unsafe or in danger. Awareness is the key to being safe. Be aware of your safety and you’ll be safe in your awareness. That is the key to success, I mean, awareness.

If we do our part, the policemen do theirs, and the criminals do theirs, we can’t go wrong. Thank you for your time and if there aren’t any further questions, I will now turn everything back over to the handsome men of Studio8.csu.edu! 

Safety-Related Things to Remember:

- If you must jog, jog inside with your doors locked and windows secured.

- Girls who know kung-fu should stick together and wear cool-looking leather outfits.

- Say NO to drugs.

- Keep your mother with you at all times.

- If someone steps out of a car near you, don’t say hello or be friendly to them.

- Girls are helpless. Boys aren’t.

- If it feels wrong, trust your gut. And vice versa.

- Don’t flirt with criminals unless you intend on dating them.

- Never trust anyone, even yourself.

- Don’t go out at night. Ever. Daytime is dangerous, too.

- Stare at everyone and look as violently insane as possible.

- Ask lots of questions at the end of useless campus safety forums.

In-Depth Tips for Foiling Criminals:

- Wear T-shirts with anti-crime messages on them. Criminals who can read will be too intimidated to assault you. Some good suggestions are T-shirts that say, “No Fear,” “Help McGruff Take a Bite Out of Crime,” “Big Dog,” and “Hoof Arted?”

- Most crimes are crimes of opportunity. Do not walk up to a stranger and offer them the opportunity to mug or kidnap you. That’s just plain stupid. If you do that, the criminals are giving you what you deserve. Instead, be sure to tell any strangers in the area that they will have to find an opportunity elsewhere.

- Never park your car where people can see you. Criminals love to stake out a car and wait for its owner to return. If necessary, leave your car safely at home and walk to your destination. If you have to have your car, park in a dark, obscure area and cover it with leaves or a portable tarp that has leaves painted on it.

- If a strange person is approaching you in public, pull out your cell phone and loudly pretend to have a conversation with the sheriff of your town. Criminals hate sheriffs. If you don’t own a cell phone, you can use your hand or a short stick. Or ask the strange person if you can borrow theirs and then run with it.

- Never jog with headphones on. This leaves you susceptible to quiet and stealthy criminals who you’ll never hear coming. Health-conscious music lovers should carry a boom box on their shoulders, instead, so they will have one ear free to listen for danger.

- Always carry a loaded handgun in your pocket, purse, or sleeve. Nonviolent types may wish to carry a toy cap gun, which, when fired repeatedly while throwing rocks, will cause their attacker to think they’re being shot at with a real gun.

     Many thanks to Dean Huffergrin for being the sole attendee/speaker at the Safety Forum and many thanks to you for reading this report and looking out for one another’s safety. If you wish, you may print up this report and carry it with you wherever you go so you will have all of our advice and wisdom at your fingertips. The employees of Studio 8 highly recommend that you do this, unless you are a criminal and you are planning on using the above advice as a blueprint for foiling the efforts of crime-stoppers. If that’s the case, forget everything you read here and continue committing crimes as you have in the past, OK?