Special Report
September is "Sexual Harassment Month!"
As featured on MaximOnline.com

If you work in an office, regardless of what type of genitalia lies between your legs, you've probably experienced sexual harassment in some shape or fashion. The employees of Studio 8 have been slapping each other with sexual harassment suits for years, and we take pride in our ability to consistently deal with such things. This may or may not be the entire reason that Studio 8 has declared September of 2003 to be known as "Sexual Harassment Month."

For those of you who haven't experienced sexual harassment yet, September is the month for you. For those of you who have, September is also the month for you. For those of you who hate September, October is the month for you. For those of us who do not wish to continue reading these introductory paragraphs, this sentence is for you.

Repeated reading of all the below information should properly (or improperly) prepare you for a harassment-free September, regardless of whether or not you have a job.

Warning signs that you are a victim of sexual harassment:

- Your boss and/or co-workers constantly wink, giggle, wave, or point at you when you walk into the room. If they acknowledge your presence in any way, that is a surefire sign that they have been intimate with you in the past or are currently plotting to engage in sexual intercourse with you in the near future.

- Your boss recently fired or demoted you for "giving out bad hand-jobs."

- All over your cubicle or in your briefcase you keep finding sweet little love notes that are signed as being from your spouse or significant other. These are probably from someone you work with, though it's nothing to worry about since this person is apparently not very talented at sexual harassment.

- You have a child growing in your belly that you didn't put there yourself. If you are a male experiencing this, the level of sexual harassment in your life is particularly severe.

- Your life has this weird empty feeling...

- A few of your most recent paychecks were just $5 bills with the words "Please fuck me. Sincerely, Your Boss/Your Cubicle Mate/Your Employee/Your Least Favorite Client" scribbled on them.

- The inter-office bulletin board is plastered with badly Photoshopped pictures of you having sex with various animals or ugly celebrities. (NOTE: If you put these pictures up, you are NOT a victim of sexual harassment. You are just stupid.)

- You have big black grease marks all over your clothes (especially on those areas covering your genitalia) from everyone always grabbing at you as you walk by.

- You are a woman working outside of the home.

What to do if you suspect that you are being sexually harassed:

- Take matters into your own hands. This means having sex with everyone you come across on a daily basis.

- Make yourself unattractive. Gain a lot of weight. Give yourself a haircut with your eyes closed. Burn off patches of your flesh. Wear Christmas sweaters.

- Hire a bodyguard to shadow you all day. Make sure this bodyguard is sexy because eventually, you will succumb to his or her persistent and bawdy sexual advances.

- Buy the DVD boxed-set of every season of the popular television courtroom drama Law & Order and watch every episode until you find one that deals with a sexual harassment case. There's probably some good advice in there somewhere.

- At all times, make sure to sexually harass yourself more than anyone else can sexually harass you. Masturbate, masturbate, masturbate.

Likely sexual harassment scenarios:

1. A man sitting on top of your desk and staring at you in a creepy manner

This is consistently one of the most common sexual harassment scenarios that is recorded every year by the Office of Sexual Misconduct in the Office. This is perhaps due to the popularity of desks, the frequent misplacing of chairs, and also the widespread tendency of the average male to sit whenever he needs to rest his legs. However, these things provide no excuse for the man staring at you in a creepy manner. Maybe if you lock eyes with him, unbutton your shirt, and slowly move closer to his side of the desk, he will snap out of it. Who knows? Maybe he is retarded.
Scenario's Actual Level of Danger: 4
 

2. A co-worker standing on your side of the room

There are only a few rare moments when a fellow employee should occupy a space that lies within ten feet of another employee. One of these moments is in the lunchroom, where employees must share tables with one another and perhaps aid each other in burping up portions of the meal they just ingested. Another such moment is in the restroom, where some employees must engage in scatological activities with other employees in order to satisfy their own chronic perverted fetishes. If you notice that someone is walking next to you in the hallway or in the parking lot, you might want to spritz their face with a warning shot of mace so they know you are not interested in being sexually harassed on that particular day.
Scenario's Actual Level of Danger: 5
 

3. Someone (other than yourself) pleasantly smiling at you

People smile when they do evil things. Just watch how any villain acts in a TV show or movie. Typically, villains laugh both before and after they do something dastardly. And you can't very well laugh without smiling, right? Thus, if someone in your workplace smiles at you, it means that they have either done something bad to you or they will do something bad to you within the next 24 hours. And by "something bad," I mean "rape." Do you want to be raped? Well, neither do I. Hey, I'm not suggesting that you purchase a gun and shoot every person who smiles at you, but if you want to help clean serial rapists off the streets of this fine city, then it might not be such a bad idea. If you catch yourself smiling at yourself in the mirror, there is something terribly wrong with you and I am suggesting that you shoot yourself for doing this.
Scenario's Actual Level of Danger: 10
 

4. A person whom you work with helping you accomplish a task

"The easiest way to seduce a person is by pretending to help them and then somehow tricking them into having sex with you." - Dr. Corbert Hamstein, Sexual Things Quarterly, 1987. The above quote was taken years ago when Dr. Hamstein was serving his fifth year of a life-long prison term for sexually harassing a prison guard where he worked. His comment still rings true today, however. NEVER let someone help you do ANYTHING. If you absolutely cannot do it yourself, give up. If you don't have the strength to finish a task on your own, you won't be strong enough to resist the charm and beauty of a co-worker who is bent on putting their genitals all over yours. Be careful not to offer help to anyone else, either, lest you be known as the sexual delinquent of the office.
Scenario's Actual Level of Danger: 7
 

5. Eating a "business dinner" with one or more co-workers

There are innocent dinners and there are not-so-innocent dinners. The way to keep the two separated in your head is this: Innocent dinners ALWAYS involve children. If you realize that you are sharing a delicious lobster bisque frappe with two other adults, you'd better excuse yourself to the restroom and then sneak out of the restaurant as fast as you can, because you are dangerously close to becoming party to a dirty sexual escapade that is merely hinted at in the filthiest of pornographic movies. Speaking of which, here's another tidy rule to keep fresh in your mind: Innocent pornographic movies ALWAYS involve children. Perverts who conduct business dinners with only adults while watching child-free pornographic movies on a nearby television should have their genitalia removed by large crab-like monsters who live off the vitamins and minerals found in most genitalia.
Scenario's Actual Level of Danger: 6
 

6. A co-worker sending you a picture of them making a wacky face at you from the next cubicle over

As long as they don't look like the person pictured to the left, you should be ok.
Scenario's Actual Level of Danger: 0




 
 

7. Getting paid money for performing sexual favors for a person whom you do not know

Unless you are a certified street-walking prostitute or an intern for a major Hollywood studio, you should not be receiving payment for having sex with a stranger. If money is involved, this is sexual harassment, and sexual harassment is the thing that you do not like, remember? So if you have made that mistake, and you have taken the few crumpled bills that were left on the table when you awakened from your crank-induced hibernation, do whatever you can to find that man or woman and make things right by giving them their money back. Be sure to do this in front of the person's friends and family, so they will know that there are no hard feelings between any of you.
Scenario's Actual Level of Danger: 1

So with all of the above information, Studio 8 hopes that your September will be Sexual Harassment free! And if September 30 rolls around and you find that yes, indeed, you have been sexually assaulted in some minor or major way, we will take full responsibility for the situation. That's right, we are so confident in our abilities to rid the world of sexual harassment for the month of September that we are letting people sue us if they are sexually harassed before October 1! Can't beat that, huh?