Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without the inevitable return of brightly-colored sweaters loaded with shiny, twinkling baubles and trinkets that are somewhat related to the traditional icons of Christmas. Actually, Christmas would be just fine without these sweaters, but most Americans are convinced that it's an absolute necessity to wear them anyway. As a matter of fact, I can personally guarantee that at least 75% of you reading this right now: A) - have a mother, and B) she owns at least one stupid Christmas sweater that she puts on around this time of year without even thinking about it. The other 25% of you either never had a mother or you are a mother who wears Christmas sweaters.

So, similar to our ever-popular Men of Summer and Men of Fall Pictorials, below we will present you with pictures of various styles of Christmas sweaters that we found within the cesspool of silliness called the internet. None of these sweaters should have been made and even fewer of them should have ever been worn. Thus, without further ado, here are the Christmas Sweaters of Christmas!

Model Name: Moochie Poochells
Sweater Name: Glittery Tree ' Neath the Stars
Reason this sweater should never exist: Aside from the fact that the sweater is hideous and this is the ugliest breed of dog in the world, dogs have no concept of clothing. Nor do they have any concept of Christmas. They don't need to wear clothes. Plus, they never do the laundry, even when it's their turn.


Model Name: Maw-Maw Skeeply
Sweater Name: I'm Dreaming of a Dead Christmas
Reason this sweater should never exist: Like a jellyfish's deadly tentacles, this sweater contains a toxin that immobilizes whatever the sweater's wearer touches, in this case, 6-year-old Justin and 9-year-old Tara Skeeply. Of course, Maw-Maw is impervious to the sweater's incapacitating effects because urine neutralizes the toxin and her weak bladder keeps her thoroughly soiled (and mobile) at all times.

Model Names: Shirley (L) and Barbara (R)
Sweater Names: Poinsettia Delight (L) and A Bear-y Cajun Christmas (R)
Reason these sweaters should never exist: Shirley's sweater looks like a baby ate Christmas-colored Jell-O and burped it up all over the front of her. Barbara's sweater has peppers on the sleeves and that makes her sweater offensive to Puerto Rican people. Racism doesn't belong in Christmas, people.

Model Name: Ol' Deeb Henderson
Sweater Name: Snowflake Pattern #14
Reason this sweater should never exist: Men should not wear sweaters, Christmas-themed or otherwise. Go to the museum and look at the bones of the cavemen. Are their skeletons partially covered by frayed, dried-out prehistoric sweater remnants? Of course not! Well, in Wisconsin they did find some cavemen's skeletons that were wearing mammoth hides that had snowflakes painted on them. But the cave people used bird droppings to paint with, so unless you're a man who's willing to smear animal feces on your sweater, you don't need to wear a sweater.

Model Names: Butch (L) and Skipper (R)
Sweater Names: I refuse to name these tiny things
Reason these sweaters should never exist: If you have to get your Christmastime jollies by dressing up your Barbie dolls to fit the season, then posing them, and then photographing them, I have no idea why you shouldn't just go ahead and add yourself to the holiday season's already heightened suicide rate statistics. Picture yourself as the person who did this. How did Butch break his leg? Did Skipper get some good bargains at the miniature Gap store? Did Butch open his present after this picture was taken? It boggles the mind.

Model Name: Heather Humphreys
Sweater Name: Le Freunje d' Ette
Reason this sweater should never exist: Poor little Heather weighs 45 pounds. The armor-like sweater that engulfs her weighs 85 pounds (the cap weighs another 15). It's a true Christmas miracle that the photographer was able to capture the terror and pain of her tiny frame in mid-scream like he did. Little Heather's clavicle bones snapped from the intense pressure and her ribs crushed her lungs around her heart shortly after this picture was taken. Ah well, anything to fill the pages of this year's Sears catalogue.

- Studio 8's Men of Fall Pictorial