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Band with major label interest auditioning singer, bass, guitar,
drums. Serious inquiries only. Must be willing to play music. Call
555-0242.
Baby Receptionist Needed
1-2-3
Productions, a film company run by babies, for babies. 0-2 WPM
required. Toilet training not necessary. No toddlers, please. Leave
resume & warm bottle @ 4590 Franklin Ave.
YOUTH COUNSELOR
At-risk kids need
people to gripe at them and give them useless advice a few times a
week. No pay, but you will get the satisfaction of feeling more
financially and emotionally stable than some underprivileged brat.
At-risk children need not apply, idiots. Mail resume to: PO Box 456,
Ferrin,
TX 77410.
Earn $200 Monthly
Donate your saliva
and help save lives. $15/bucket. Send spit sample to Cottonmouth
Laboratories @ 142 Richmond Blvd.
Pair of paralyzed
paranormal paralegals seeking secretary. Parachuting & parasailing
skills a must. Familiarity with supernatural paradoxes a plus. Perry &
Perry Law Firm – 555-2746.
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Are your bills piling up?
Getting tired of overdue rent?
Need a quick and easy way to make
good cash?
Good luck.
Sonny will fix
your squeaky floor, but he will also put holes in it because he
refuses to work without his track spike shoes. Call him @ 555-2294.
Hardware problems?
Solving it might
be hard, so call me, Vincent. I have a sense of humor and I work for
cheese. 555-0908.
Casey’s Lawn
Maintenance and Maternal Care Services is looking for some good
abortionists. Must have access to dumpster, rubber gloves, and sharp
scissors. 555-3322.
Sell your
overpriced jewelry to me for low prices! Kyline 555-8776.
I pay cash for anything, got that
buster? Call Jack @ 555-1257.
I, Barry B. Borry,
can drink a 5th of Vodka all by myself. Invite me to your party and
watch me rock and roll til I bleed! 555-2357. |
Sony 600 in-dash
VCR for your car. Doesn’t work well when car is in motion. Copy of
1987 comedy Mannequin included (stuck in machine). Darrell @
555-8383.
KIDS!
For Sale:
2 really cool things that you must have!
Cost: 3
allowances!
Call 555-3827
after bugging your parents!
Stop attackers
instantly! One shark/alien/dog creature that you can carry with you at
all times.
Might eat you, but
will keep you safe. Dr. Corrbly @ 555-3045.
CASH for
old things.
Will BUY anything,
as long as it’s old! Not interested in new things.
E-mail
Ron@ronmail.com.
A corsage made of
4 dead hummingbirds glued together sprinkled with brown sugar for sale
to highest bidder. Meet me on the roof of my apartment. – Tiffany
Garage Sale tonight!
Tons of expensive
electronics MUST GO! Nothing under $10. Location and time of garage
sale T.B.A. - Derrick |
Jokes! Want some
jokes! I got jokes! Call Fred @ 555-4911. Ha! Did ya call? This ad was
a joke! Seriously, want some jokes? I’ll answer the phone this time.
555-1246.
I’m depressed,
but ready to be happy. Poor, but ready to get a job. Gross, but
willing to get a makeover. Stupid, but willing to read a book.
Hopeless, but willing to go on a date with the first person to call my
cell phone, which isn’t mine. 225-938-8242.
I’m bad at card
games and I have terrible luck. If you want to gamble against me, come
visit me behind the stadium anytime after 1 AM.
P.S. I am not a hustler. P.P.S. Bring a lot of money.
If you want
someone who doesn’t play any games, I’m willing to do that. But first,
we’re going to need to play one quick game of Pokeno so I can see how
cool you are. Nathan @ 555-2521.
I need a guy to
take showers with. Mine’s no fun and it hasn’t worked in weeks. Call
Sharon
@ 555-2321. I’ll bring the soap.
Necesito un dictionario para translado el periodico llamado “La Campus
Dirt” en ingles, por favor. Carlos @ 555-7112. |
My water broke
while I was on the bus yesterday. I’m at the hospital now because my
baby had to come out.
So if you know
where my water went, call St. Taddy’s Women’s Hospital, Room 347. God
bless.
I found a cat &
then lost it. Then I stole another one and said I found it. Now I’m in
jail. Anybody know where my damn cat is? If so, you can have her!
Fred @ 555-2190.
Found: True love.
Lost: My heart. Confused? So am I.
Jason, come back to me please. – Your Slippery Silly Man, Jonathan.
Lost: My virginity
to some prick at the Delta Iota Kappa party last weekend. I was saving
that for marriage so please give it back! Cindy @ 555-9992.
Lost: one plastic
necklace in the Mississippi River
last Tuesday night. Call Erin
@ 555-9960 with any info.
Lost: One pet tadpole. Call Sandy
@ 555-0022.
Found: One small bullfrog. Call
Sandy @ 555-0022. |
