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The Reason for Me It has come to my attention that my intelligent and witty reviews aren’t registering very high on my audience’s minds anymore. The hate mail I’ve been receiving has been so hateful, every word induces a morsel of vomit that I have no choice but to force back down my throat or up my buttocks. So it should be no coincidence that Survivor hasn’t been registering very high on my own mind. Perhaps you also see this coincidence, perhaps you don’t. Since I’ve already been broadcasting my very personal views on Survivor to millions via the internet, I thought I might as well broadcast what’s going on in my mind. Ever since I was a child, the one thing I was most scared of most was my penis. I never liked a single thing about it. Not the way it looked, the way it smelled, the way it tasted, the way I would squeeze it as tight as I could like play-doh then watch it slowly unfold like a chunky baking blueberry muffin. I hated my penis so much that I would always try and rip open the hole where my pee comes out. I would bite my pinky nails to a fine point and tear at the hole in hopes of shredding my skin in half. I hated my penis so much that I would refuse to pee, forcing my urine to ooze from out of my very own asshole, giving my little poo’s a light yellow glaze and an artificial diarrhea sound. This doesn't have much to do with Survivor or my current situation with my writing position here with Studio 8 Entertainment. Only I feel like I must find a new home, a new calling, a new reason to tote my laptop to Dunkin’ Donuts every morning. I must reclaim my position as a respected writer for this website. I only hope I haven’t lost any of you loyal followers yet. I knew this day was coming, as my fan mail started to dwindle further and further down every day. It all began with a whirlwind – I got letters every day from people trying to sell me medicine to enhance my sexual performance, I got mail from this cool camera company that sells little tiny cameras for you to put around your house, not to mention I have almost a half-dozen new credit cards now. These days, it seems the only mail I get is my daily deli coupons. Half off a quarter pound of Sally’s Plain Roast Beef or 10 cents off per pound of gray cheese, minimum 5 pounds. So, here I go. I’ve been thinking about new features that I can provide for this site. I’m not sure which I’ll decide on, if any, but I’ll let everyone know soon enough! Sweaters for Trevor – How about a section on this site devoted to fashion? Pages and pages of pics of me, Trevor, wearing the trendiest sweaters. I could come up with a cool way to rank the sweaters and help everyone out there decide what sweaters they should buy. I guess I could do this every winter or maybe during the rest of the year, too. Trev’s Bevs – I’ve thought about a little column every week where I come up with a new mixed drink and explain to you all how to make it! Maybe I could include crazy pictures of what I did after drinking these concoctions. I just think it would be very interesting and a little funny to do this. This is good because it’s hard to find sites that have good mixed drink recipes. Letters with Trevor – It’s no secret that I enjoy writing, so why not create a letter writing service? Perhaps there are people out there who aren’t sure how to resign from their job, break up with their girlfriends, tell someone that they don’t want to be their friend anymore, or sign up for a free contest. Perhaps? More like precise! Of course there are people out there who need these things. For a small fee (or maybe no fee at all) I could write these letters! Just an idea. I’m off to start creating a few prototypes. Hopefully I can find the drive that drove me before and ride on down the humor highway and start hooking you people up!! Always, Trevor |
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