How do you do and welcome to Count Tiffany Glaze’s latest Studio 8 Media Review. For those who aren’t familiar with my work, please know that I’ve been offering my expert opinions on movies, collectable cereal boxes, TV shows, shampoos, and all sorts of other things for nearly twenty years now. You may have seen my work in such publications as Sexy Birthmarks Magazine, The Sears Roebuck 1983 Catalogue, The Struggling Feminist Monthly, and The Community College Review. Now if you haven't read any of these things, then I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t tell me that.

This week I will be reviewing the forthcoming film Freddy vs. Jason, which will be hitting theaters this Friday, August 15. Now let me make you understand that I have been very excited about this movie for not one, not two, but fourteen reasons – three of which I will reveal to you right now:

1. It has BOTH Jason AND Freddy in it.
2. The “vs.” in the title suggests that Jason and Freddy are not friends, and instead, are fighting each other.
3. Jason kills Freddy in the end.

       Now you must be asking yourself or perhaps one of your trashy-looking friends, “How did the Count get to watch this movie before everyone else?” The answer to that is simple. My good friend Duke Karen of the Rouge demonstrated how easily he could illegally download movies on some Kwanzaa or Kava program on his computer. Well, since I didn’t feel like waiting a few days to watch the movie with all of the other simpletons in the movie theaters, I told the Duke to download Jason vs. Freddy.

       Within a few hours, we were both huddled in front of his 8-inch monitor watching one of the greatest movies ever created. Let me first explain to you the situation between the Duke and I. Since we were about 24 years old, the Duke has been scared to death of Friday the 13^th’s Jason and I‘ve been frightened half to death by Nightmare on Elm Street’s Freddy. If I say the name “Jason” in the Duke’s presence, he usually screams and spins around like a retarded child in a tornado. If he mentions the name “Freddy,” I can do nothing but clamp my teeth down on either my arm or my tongue and I have to dive under the nearest table or chair or lampshade.

So this movie was sort of a duel of our fears, if you will. If Jason defeated Freddy, I would finally be freed from my semi-nightly terrors and the Duke would be forever damned and wretched, and vice versa.

Thus, when the movie began, both of us were on edge about our respective futures and what would become of our lives after the 90 minutes determined our fates. And we stayed on edge like that the entire time, mostly because we could barely discern what was taking place on the Duke’s tiny monochrome computer screen. I kept trying to convince the Duke that we should watch the movie on my cellular phone instead, but he would have none of that.

Thus, our arguments caused us to miss out on the first half of the movie. By the time I could pay attention to what was happening, half of the movie’s cast was dead and the other half was almost dead. I think I caught a few glimpses of Freddy here and there, but I’m not sure. All I know is that the room was dark and I was feeling sort of spooky and the Duke was apparently feeling rather horny because he kept rubbing his erect penis up and down my leg (the Duke was lying on the floor while I was sitting on a creaky old wooden stool).

	Above: Don't get used to reading positive movie reviews on this website. Also, don't get used to looking at this picture of me. I might take it away.

So I strained my eyes and ears and after some time in which it sounded like a lot of intense sequences were taking place, I noticed that it looked like the credits were rolling and the movie was over. We rewound the movie a few minutes and I’m pretty sure that I saw Jason chop off Freddy’s head or glove or torso in the last shot of the movie, although the Duke claims that he saw Freddy bite off Jason’s penis and then pull his soul out through his anus.

Regardless, I haven’t seen Freddy lurking in the shadows of my bedroom ever since that night, so I think Freddy was finally put to rest once and for all and I can finally stop ingesting all these energy pills and caffeine-charged fruit beverages and I can enjoy some much-needed sleep.

I command each and every one of you stupid people to watch Freddy vs. Jason this Friday and every Friday thereafter until either you or I die, whichever comes first. I am about to fall asleep where I stand at this public library computer terminal, so I must be going for now. I would thank you all for reading this media review of mine, but I do not have the time nor do I care enough to do it. Good night.