|
I Plan on Doing Everything I Can to
Get This Stupid Sweater Off I don’t understand clocks, the cycle of daylight and darkness, or any other methods of telling time, but somehow I knew that this time was coming – the time when I would be forced to wear the ugliest doggie sweater in the entire hemisphere!
It all began this morning when I was outside just sort running and jumping around in the warm grass, looking around and being happy, when suddenly Jim came over to me and made me come back inside by pointing to the house and saying lots of things to me. At first, I thought I was going to be getting a spanking for squirting poopoo all over Jim’s bed two times this morning, but instead, I got a spanking for squirting poopoo all over the little rug where everyone wipes their feet, which I had totally forgotten about. So afterwards, while I was busy crying behind the washing machine like I do at least once every day, Jim came in the room smiling and carrying a stupid folded-up sweater. I knew this meant only one thing: that Jim was smiling and also carrying a stupid folded-up sweater. Well, next thing I knew, Jim was shoving my arms into the sweater’s holes and my head was being poked through the top of it. Then, Jim carried me into the living room so his mom and girlfriend could laugh at me and say all kinds of things about me. I liked that at first, but after a while, everyone stopped paying attention to me and started doing other things. Jim’s mom even kicked me once when I was trying to get her to laugh at me some more, but I’m sure it was just an accident. Needless to say, now I’m back outside and I’m burning up because either that hot thing in the sky is even hotter than usual today or this sweater is somehow making me feel hotter. I think I need to get rid of this sweater, but no matter how much I run in circles or stare at the ground, it won’t come off. So I don’t know what to do now except bark a bunch at Teddy, the dog next door. It’s a lot of fun, but it’s not really getting me anywhere, though, because Teddy is stuck inside his house, plus he’s real old and can’t hear or see anything.
Maybe if I get the sweater real dirty, they won’t think I’m so cute anymore and they’ll take the sweater off. So here’s what I will do: I am going to go over there and eat some grass, mud, and sticks. Then I’ll poopoo all of that out, and then eat that poopoo. I will do this until I get a pile big enough to jump into, and then I’ll roll around in it until Jim comes outside. So when he notices me covered in all that poopoo, he’ll never put another sweater on me again! Ha! Boy, this grass sure is yucky and these sticks hurt my mouth. And I’m not sure this is mud I’m eating. Oh, here comes Jim. And he has some treats! Oh, Jim, I forgive you for everything, Jim! You are the best master ever and I will wear this sweater as long as you look at me for at least 30 seconds every other day! Huh. Jim is back inside now. And he forgot to give me any treats and instead told me to shut up. Sigh. |
|
||||||||
|
|||||||||
|
|||||||||
