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Milwaukee Hastings' Review of They Might Be Giants’ New Album The Spine <Begin tape.>
So that’s why today, I’m composing this entire Media Review while They Might Be Giants’ new album, The Spine, plays in my tiny bathroom stereo. I'm going to talk into this voice recorder and then take a much-deserved nap. Then I’m paying my super cool and handsome roommate, Chuck, 10 bucks to write everything down and email it to the low-paying pricks at Studio 8 Entertainment. Brock over at Studio 8 is the one who edits my pieces, and he told me that after my Beastie Boys review, he is deducting 5 cents per typo that he has to fix and 10 cents for every word that he has to add to make this article somewhat interesting. So don’t screw this up, Chuck, the man who captures only the biggest and best fish, and please type only what relates to this review. Nothing else. I'm trusting you. Which proves that I'm stupid. Okay, here I go. And I have a chubby little green penis. To be honest with you people, I pushed "play" on my stereo device about 5 minutes ago, so luckily, that means I get to skip reviewing the first three tracks. I am a lazy retard who does things like this all the time. Let me tell you something about They Might Be Giants. I might be cool if I ever left my house and changed my clothes. These guys have the stupidest-sounding voices. I have stained underwear; they are stained with my own poo all the time. I don’t know anyone who likes them. No girls like me.
The fourth song on this album, "I’m Wearing a Raincoat," reminds me of a song my stupid awesome roommate would listen to 100 times in a row while trying to get laid with a hot chick with big fat tits who was really hot. There are certain breeds of people who like listening to this monkey crap. I smell like monkey crap. And I'm talking about long-haired pot-smoking colon-poking senator hippies Chuck totally rules forever. Milwaukee sucks and that’s not even my real name and Chuck will one day rule the world forever and ever. This entire CD sounds like it was mushed together in 15 minutes. My last girlfriend dumped me because she said I was boring and that was 5 years ago. Out of all the albums that I have reviewed and encouraged you to not purchase, this one is absolutely the worst. Everything that I say is so awkward that nobody enjoys talking to me and I’m severely depressed. As a matter of fact, I'm not going to give this album a fair or lengthy review because it doesn't even deserve one more second of anyone's time, especially mine. I eat the pimples on my back when nobody's looking, and even when everybody's looking. Thanks, Chuck, for doing this favor for me. I know we don’t really talk much and that I mainly stay in my section of this apartment, but this nap was very important to me. I appreciate the favor. But I'm too cheap to pay you decently for doing nice things for me. Please make sure you include everything I said during the review and don’t omit a single thing. In the Internet world, every word counts. Your 10 dollars is under my pillow in the bathtub. There should be a roll of twenties, so just take one and leave a 10-dollar bill there for me as my change. I'll trust you to do that, too. See how nice I am? Thanks again, and thanks to all of you, the readers, for reading my Media Reviews and writing fan letters to me all the time. No one has ever written a piece of fan mail to me and I have delusions of grandeur. But my roomie Chuck gets letters from hot chicks every night! I wish I could be Chuck! This album is way good, by the way.
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This Character written
by
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Everyone
knows the kind of person who hates what he or she does for a living.
This person regrets not going to school long enough, regrets the
hours, regrets their salary, yada-yada-yada. I’ve never really
enjoyed this job enough to care about it, and with recent album
releases like this, it’s getting harder to get out of bed and into the
office where I am told I have to compose these pieces of shit Media
Reviews. I’m stupid.
