|
Multi-Perspective Article: You can stand there in your fancy blue vest and comfortable-looking slacks screaming at me and pushing me around the store with your dirty old mop, but as God as your witness, one day soon you’ll be taking orders from me! How can I say that? Well, not to give away all of my political secrets and strategies, but next Tuesday I’m formally announcing that I’m running for governor of this fair Wal-Mart! I don’t know who your current governor is, but he obviously ain’t paying enough attention to his employees, I know that! Every time I try to take a nap behind the Deli Delight counter, you people are always calling the security guards on me. What kind of circus are you people running here? My first order of business as Wal-Mart Governor will be to install some flushable toilets! You know, toilets that have real water in them, instead of just a greasy old wooden bench to catch all of my droppings! And no toilet paper either? A flimsy old curtain doesn’t get the job done downstairs, if you catch my drift, especially when wiping with the curtain allows any passing patron to peek in at me doing my business! Ouch! Stop poking me in my back! I’m leaving now, I told you!
Vote Tee-Bo Corley for Wal-Mart
Governor!
That crazy homeless guy took a dump in the
changing rooms again.
Hey, Darlene, I don’t mean to be a dick here, but I just caught that homeless fuck-wad tearing off another long brown one on the bench in the women’s changing room and I don’t feel like cleaning it up. While I was kicking him out of the store, one of his stained and tattered sleeves brushed against my arm and I almost gagged. I know I’m young and ugly and not very enthusiastic or respectful, but please don’t make me scrub that guy’s poo off the bench. Not again. Shit like this really depresses me and makes me feel like taking a shotgun to my skull. When you guys hired me, you said that this job has a lot of perks. Well, soaking up some bum’s whiskey-smelling terds totally overshadows any perks that you guys could throw at me. I really need this job so I can pay back my little brother for accidentally burning up his championship deck of Yu-Gi-Oh cards, and I’d appreciate it if you could get someone else like Karen or Fifi to clean up the dressing room.
Also, who’s the governor of this Wal-mart and why haven’t I met him
before?
You fired after you clean up all that shit
in the dressing room, motherfucker.
Sammy, I’ve had enough of that attitude! You pussy little white boys always be trifling about silly little shit like having to do shit that you don’t want to do! You think I give a fuck? I don’t give a fuck if you do think that! Now get in that goddamn dressing room and pick up all of that stupid motherfuckers shit! And when you done wiping up all that smelly shit, your dumb ass can find a new motherfucking job because my ass just fired the shit out of your ass! I’m the only fucking daytime manager on the clock right now and I don’t feel like listening to no more horseshit from some whiny little titty-baby pussy piece of white bread who don’t do the job I tell him to do! Oh, you quit? You ain’t quitting while I’m still your boss! Your ugly ass is mine for another four hours! Don’t you swing that mop at my head, son! You just gonna walk out the store like that? You nothing but a trifling little punk-ass anyway! I
ain’t cleaning up no shit, that’s for sure! And I don’t know no
governor motherfucker! Who that is?
Who left all this cool Play-Doh on this
bench?
Whoa! Play-Doh! It smells like a dookie, but it’s squishy like Play-Doh. I’m gonna roll it up in a ball and throw it at Mommy’s head. No, she’ll take it away from me. I’ll just smoosh it all over the wall and draw a funny picture with it! That’s my daddy right there and here’s Mommy making him a sandwich with yucky pickles in it. Now I will draw me and my house. I will put that mean old Mrs. Cranberry outside in the rain where it’s raining on her head! My fingers are all
sticky and now I smell like a dookie, too. Mommy will be mad at me now
and she’ll spank me. I can just wipe my hands on these dresses and
Mommy will never know anything.
I think I might vote for that nice hobo
man for Governor this year.
Oh dear me and myself! I can’t find the exit to get out of this Wal-Mart establishment! I do wish that kindly hobo gentleman with the torn trousers and crusted beard would come back inside and tell me how to get out! And now there’s all these small childs running about like caged animals! What can I do when they are circling me like a bunch of jittery quacking penguins? Where’s a good governor when you need him nowadays? Why, that homely handsome hobo fellow sure could make some changes around here. Look at these dresses that all the girls wear these days! A lovely pink with gaudy brown smudges all over them. They call this fashion. In my time, a dress like this would have been used to drape across a horse’s fanny to keep the bugs out! And it smells like it, too! But it is kind of soft and my shoulders are a little cold. It couldn’t hurt to wrap it around myself while I keep searching for the exit and voting machine. Perhaps I will capture a child and make him lead the way. Oh dear! A large black
woman and an angry motherly woman are rushing at me! And who is this
man who has been grabbing at my hair for the past few minutes?
What’s going on in here?
In all of my twenty years of service, I have never seen this Wal-Mart in such disarray! An unattended child decorating the dressing rooms with a delusional vagabond’s fecal matter? A young disgruntled employee swinging a mop around as if it were a cricket bat? An overweight African American lady tearing a filthy shawl from the bony shoulders of a frazzled elderly woman? A mother wailing for her lost child like a harpooned giraffe? And on top of it all, a rather pathetic-looking twit masquerading as the next Governor of Wal-Mart! I shall not stand by and let this grand institution crumble and melt before my very heart and eyes! Out with all of you! I banish the whole gang of you from this land! If you continue to scream and throw bargain-priced household items at my unprotected mustache, I shall call upon The Wal-Mart Royal Guard to have you all tossed out of the sliding robotic doors like the common mongrels that you are! Now that we are all quiet and calm, I will now roll up my sleeves, buckle my belt, and shift the contents of my breast pockets to show you how a real man cleans up a widely-splattered amount of drying excrement. This is Wal-Mart, people, not America. We have to work if we want things done. Now if you all will pardon me for a few moments, I will pull this curtain closed and relieve myself of some poopoo inside of this garment-changing room. |
|
||||||||||||||||||||
|
|||||||||||||||||||||
- I’m very interested in being your friend! - So many things make my penis feel funny! - Just because I’m a blood-sucking vampire doesn’t mean you have to try to kill me.
| |||||||||||||||||||||
