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MTV Launches New TV Show, Queer The network executives at MTV have discovered a new way to dull America’s young minds via the flashing television screen with their latest stab at a reality television series named Queer. Each ground-breaking episode of Queer will feature one heterosexual male and one heterosexual female as contestants being involuntarily thrown into the candid lifestyles of promiscuous homosexuals. “MTV has to stay afloat in the crowded pool of reality programming, which is no easy task,” according to Queer producer Mary Philips. “That means we have to be very edgy, and also very very gay.”
For starters,
contestants will be appropriately dressed in tastefully inappropriate and
homosexual-enticing outfits. They will then be given explicit, detailed
instructions on how to conduct themselves like a true sexually-fixated gay
human being.
The pilot episode’s first unwilling contestant is Todd, an attractive high school quarterback from Nebraska who violently opposes homosexuality whenever he is even remotely subjected to it. After Todd is swept up by Queer’s sassy all-homosexual crew, he is forced to throw away his blue jeans, backwards baseball cap, and trendy Oakley sunglasses for a pair of form-fitting crotchless leather pants, a dash of sparkly eye glitter, and a midriff-bearing mesh shirt. Todd is then given a box of un-lubricated condoms and all the alcohol he can drink before he is locked inside Tushie’s Brown Door, a packed and popular Los Angeles gay men’s bar, for an entire 24-hour period. Of course, a team of hungry MTV cameras will capture every painful, sexuality-questioning moment of Todd’s eye-and rear-opening adventure. “We are trying to convey a message here,” says Phillips. “There are tons of straight kids out there who are interested enough in homosexual life to suffer through this sort of thing for a day. And even if they’re not interested at all, we make them do it anyway. Boy, do they get the message!” Lacey, the Southern Pentecostal Community College freshman who is shamefully filmed in the last half of the first episode, gets whisked out of her dorm room and is soon easily coaxed into cutting her long, curly hair into a horrid mullet. Dressed in the manly regalia of a typical lumberjack, Lacey is then dropped off at a well-known lesbian bar in the desert sixty miles outside of Las Vegas.
Besides ten dollars,
all the alcohol she can drink, and a shiny new set of nipple rings, Lacey is
given nothing else that will get her anywhere. For three days, the camera
trails Lacey as she relies on her befuddled wits and (more importantly) her
ability to trade her body with horny, mustached lesbian bikers for
transportation, drugs, and any other sustenance.
“Basically, if you have a big camera with an MTV logo on it, you can get young people to do anything,” said Phillips with a toothy grin. “That’s really what this is all about. I like getting paid to film dumb kids doing dumb things. Call me a pervert, but I think young Todd and Lacey here would argue that there are far more despicable perverts out there than I.” Todd, who has yet to surface from the mystery-enshrouded gay dance club district of Los Angeles, and Lacey, who has checked into and escaped from 3 drug rehabilitation clinics and two insane asylums, were both oddly enough unavailable to comment on the above “queer” and surely controversial TV series. MTV’s Queer
will air sometime in the fall, sandwiched in the timeslot between
Eminem:Unplugged and MTV’s Fight Against Drugs and AIDS. |
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