Hey, I'm Only Half-Japanese!

        You tell me that I can't convincingly portray an American woman who fights against all odds to gain a seat in the U.S. Senate. But I want to remind you that I am only half-Japanese. The fact that I am a young, muscular man with a healthy mustache is also totally irrelevant.

        What's that? I said "irrelevant." No, I can't pronounce that letter very well. Or the letter "L", I suppose. I said "L." Oh, forget it. Back to my original point.

        I understand that I don't look anything like a middle-aged white woman, but that doesn't give you the right to discriminate against me. Is it my fault that I am so drawn to this incredible script? I agree that I probably would be better cast as the honorable Japanese diplomat who falls in love with the female lead, but to be honest, I don't feel there is much of a dramatic challenge for me in that role.

        Do I look more than half-Japanese? Is it that shameful and simple? I knew it! The other day, I was eating some sushi after my Karate class and one of my many Asian friends told me that I sometimes look like a full-blooded Japanese man.

        I ask how could I possibly look less Japanese? I drive a lowered, meticulously accessorized Honda Civic, but I use Ford parts. I wear American flag T-shirts all the time. I watch a lot of American talk-shows before the rising sun every Tuesday to learn the latest American catch-phrases, like Ya-Ya Sisterhood, for instance.

        Look at my arms. I am very strong, no? The woman in this movie has to be strong, right? I mean, she's hoping to one day be the Empress of America.

What? Did I say Empress? Oh. Well, I meant senator. People like strong women to be their Empresses. All right, sorry, their senators, dammit! What I'm trying to say is that it takes a strong man to play a strong woman.

	Above: Me in makeup, looking dazzling as an authentic, full-blooded Japanese Geisha Girl.

        All of this would be much easier if I wasn't such a good actor. If I was terrible or particularly had more of a Japanese attitude in general, I would admit that the part is indeed too much of a stretch.

        All I can do is prove myself to you. So next week, I am undergoing a radical sex change. After my new vagina is healed and my enlarged breasts are not so tender and swollen, I am going to temporarily employ myself as a Geisha girl to fund my run for the U.S. Senate.

        Once I become the first half-Japanese transgender Senator of Vermont, perhaps then you and your casting directors or whoever else I have to sleep with will be convinced enough to hire me for your stupid made-for-TV movie.

        Then I can get another sex-change operation and switch back to being a man so I can proudly claim the role I was born to play - the first woman senator of the United American States of America.

        I mean, the United States of America.