Washington - Proving once again that they will not be outdone when it comes to nerdy, pointless insults, French officials announced a lengthy and detailed response to the declaration on Tuesday that the US House of Representatives’ cafeteria will now refer to the French fries on its menu as “freedom fries” and the French toast as “freedom toast.”

“From now on, there will be no more American Cheese in France,” declared French Foreign Ministry spokesman Francois Rivasseau. “Instead, it will be called ‘Gross, Stupid Cheese.’ Also, any popular films with titles like ‘American Pie’ or ‘American Beauty’ will now be called ‘Pie’ or ‘Beauty.’”

The House claims that its original menu changes were meant as a nonviolent and ineffectual form of protest to France’s blatant opposition of the US’ presence in Iraq. Yet when France’s above response reached Republican Rep. Bob Ney, who serves as chairman of the House Administration Committee, he offered an immediate and angry counter-declaration that the US would be doing away with the terms ‘French-kissing,’ ‘French-braiding,' 'French-cut panties,' and 'French tickler,’ as well as demolishing the small agricultural town of Paris, Texas.

“We just cut out a few measly references to the French. Then they had to retaliate like a bunch of wieners. So we’re making even bigger name changes now,” Ney said. “Remember the French-Indian War? Try the Australian-Indian War. Stuff that in your croissant and smoke it.”

House Majority Leader Tom DeLay says that he expects France to strike back tomorrow, “probably in some prissy and melodramatic manner.”