Last week, the New York Fire Department’s responsiveness during the Sept. 11 attacks on the World Trade Center was criticized in a semi-polite way by McKinsey & Co., a private consulting firm. McKinsey’s report concluded that on that disastrous day, though the firefighters were brave and steadfastly unselfish, a number of problems with radio communications, errors in rescue operations, and blunders while coordinating efforts with the Police Department brought about several senseless deaths and other tragedies.

      This morning, McKinsley & Co., a rival consulting firm, issued their report detailing even more problems with the rescue teams who were involved with other American tragedies.

	Above: Firemen are good people, especially when they put out fires that nobody wants anymore.

     "The Titanic’s crew was absolutely worthless,” said Steve Rachsman, a McKinsley & Co. spokesman. “First of all, they tried to drive right through an iceberg, not around it. And following that huge, embarrassing misjudgment, they went and let the ship sink! What kind of motley crew of idiots would let a boat that big sink to the bottom of the ocean? Incompetence at its worst, gentlemen."

      The report insists that since these events were so extensive both in size and the loss of human life, they required the rescue teams to display an extraordinary level of coordination and skill in order to properly deal with the situations. However, McKinsley claims, none of the teams seemed to do that.

     “Don’t even get me started on The Great Chicago Fire of 1871,” cried Fran Gormon, senior editor of McKinsley’s report. “All right, I’m started. One word – helicopters with big buckets of water. That’s what they should have used, man. Cripes, Chicago would still be here today if those dumb firemen would have listened to us!”

      A majority of the report discusses the contemporary theory of rescue workers learning how to rescue at a faster rate. According to statistics outlined in the piece, more lives are lost when rescue operations are slow and confused.

      “In my opinion, we should really stop having tragedies altogether,” Gormon exasperatedly said. “But I doubt anyone would heed that little gem of advice so I won’t even say it.”

	Above: McKinsley's building about 2 hours after they made their report public.

      Rachsman added that presently the firm is working on a series of reports concerning many more tragedies, not just in America, but all over the world.

      “We’re tackling the current AIDS epidemic that could have been prevented by slaughtering all monkeys and homosexuals in 1977, all that flooding in India a few years ago that could have been stopped by transporting the Great Wall of China over to block the tidal waves, and the explosion of Mt. Saint Helen’s that could have been averted by filling the volcano up with some kind of not-yet-invented lava-absorbing substance,” Rachsman smarmily stated.

      On a related note, minutes after the above report was released, the offices of McKinsley & Co. were raided by a mob of angry people who beat the many of the employees to death and promptly torched the building. No policemen, firefighters, or medical emergency specialists showed up to help, though they were repeatedly called by terrified McKinsley staff members.