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Bush Vows to Make Americans 10% Fatter During Second Term Following through on one of his more confusing and lesser known campaign promises, President George W. Bush announced yesterday that before he leaves office in four years, he personally guarantees that every American will become at least 10% fatter than they currently are.
"As a token of my appreciation for
re-selecting me as the rightful owner of the throne-seat of America, I, George
Winston Bush, declare that each and every American belly shall grow
tenfold before the sun sets on the eve of my second term,” Bush said in a
televised address last night.
Above: Fat accumulates in the
belly region of one unlucky American male. This problem is common among most fat
people. "And I'm
talking about the real curdled, flabby kind of fat, not baby fat," he added
with a wink. A
presidential spokesperson later clarified the president's declaration,
saying that Bush meant to say "ten percent" instead of "tenfold". He also added
that Bush was supposed to promise to make Americans happier, not fatter. "I just
write the speeches," said Donald Austex, one of President Bush's key
speechwriters. "I can't make him read them all the way through. He usually
gives up trying to sound it out after the third or fourth word anyway. It's
straight improvising from there on." The
president's odd announcement was met with various reactions from the
American public, ranging from "vague interest" to "fearful panicking" to
"mild dieting". "I think
it's a wonderful idea. What a sweet man," said Shirley Compsey, spokesperson
for the National Association for the Advancement of Fat Acceptance. "An
excuse to gain more weight is just what America needs right now." "I feel
like eating something sweet," she added.
During his televised speech, President Bush outlined a few tactics
that he feels will ensure an increase in American obesity: Several celebrities such as Oprah Winfrey, Al Roker, and Mary Kate Olsen, have publicly acknowledged their disappointment with Bush's new fat-laden agenda, and obviously, the usual Bush detractors have been having a field day with the president's announcement. Sen. John Kerry, bitter from his recent election loss, commented, "So Georgey Boy wants to fatten up America now? That's nice...Well, I've got five or six words for him: Who controls all of America's ketchup, bitchboy?" "If you thought Michael Moore was angry with this administration before, you should see him now," commented an anonymous aide who is close to the outspoken filmmaker. "Fucking with the faceless residents of poorer countries is one thing, but fucking with the metabolism of a man who is already pushing the physiological limits of fatness? That's just downright un-Christian of him," he added. |
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