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Current Events | Entertainment | First Person | Food | Generic News | Religion | People| Sports | Technology/Business | Multi-Perspective | Leftovers

Current Events

Bin Laden Vows Never to Be Caught on Tape Was Anybody Going to Tell Me the Challenger Blew Up Twenty Years Ago? New Orleans Mayor To Turn City Into Chocolate We're Cleaning Up the Streets of New Orleans, One Battered Citizen at a Time! Alaskan Oil Drilling to Drastically Reduce Wildlife Unemployment Rate Irritated Office Workers Say They Know What War in Iraq Must Be Like Rescued POW Relates Harrowing Account of Not Being Raped by Female Iraqi Soldiers Annual Pine Tree Massacre Underway Bush Vows to Make Americans 10% Fatter During Second Term Congress Outlaws Public Displays of Affection by Fred Hoover (Follow-Up) Secret Response Letter from Michael Jackson to Mysterious Child Found! Secret Letter from Child to Michael Jackson Found! Nigeria Dispatches Peacekeeping Forces to Self Bush Asks Americans for $87 Billion to Fund Reelection Campaign Queen Upset by Bishop’s ‘Gay-Ass Moves’ Dr. Atkins Rises from Dead, Writes New Diet Book Telling How You Can, Too Hussein Raises Iraq’s Terror Alert Level to ‘Red’ U.S. Marines Paint Goofy Mustaches on Hussein Portraits Target Reports Slump in Sales of T-Shirts Emblazoned with Store Logo Dear Ann Landers, Are You Really Dead? Company Reports that All Emergency Workers are Morons Man Still Waiting for Space Shuttle Columbia to Land Argentina Finally Achieves First Mangina in Space Girl Proud of How She Commemorates Sept. 11 Terrorist Attacks   France Responds to 'Freedom Fries' Suicide Bomber Kidnaps Girl, Explodes, Derailing Amtrak Train, Which Collapses Nearby Mine, Trapping Miners Inside While Merrill Lynch Audit is Released, Dow Drops, Bush Signs Some Papers, Pope Still Alive U.S. to Debut Awesome Arsenal in Iraq Media to Remind Americans About What Happened a Year Ago Man, CNN Has Some Awesome TV Shows Rescue Workers Having a Whale of a Time with Whales Hurricane Isidore Defends Destructive Actions of Last Week Protesters Persuade Bush to Postpone War on Iraq

Entertainment

3rd Annual Peters Awards to Honor Top Pornographers Society Braces for Release of New Slang Words by Leon Fitzsimons Man’s Life-Long Dream to Be Crank Yankers Victim Britney Spears' Nipples Take the Night Off I Can't Wait to See The Lord of the Rings III: The King's Revolution by William Katzmeyer, The 8-Year-Old Kid Who Somehow Attends High School Paris Hilton’s Virginity in Doubt after Sex Tape Scandal Nude Picture Proves Dixie Chicks Ashamed of Bush, Not Bush Cats Too Smart for “Meow TV,” Owners Too Stupid Anticipation for 'Three Blondes and a Big Brownie' Too Much Survivor Contestants Jenna and Heidi Agree to Read Issue of Playboy Movie Actor’s Identity Still Eludes Student’s Mind Austin Powers Sweetens, Almost Ruins Man’s Life MTV Launches New TV Show, Queer New 'Sim' Games on the Horizon Story in YM Magazine Mortifies Girl Unknown Pop Group to Release Fairly Catchy Single This Summer Fox Announces New Crappy Fall TV Lineup Digital Performers Honored Freestyle Rap Competition Wraps Up ABC Unveils Peter Jennings-Alpha 2.31 Real Life Serial Killer Complains About New ‘Red Dragon’ Movie 'New Rap' Is About More Than Just Cars and Women – It’s Also About Money Star Wars: Episode II Not Coming Fast Enough for Many Nerds Special 'Animals Only' Edition of Weakest Link in the Works Get Ready for Survivor: Surviving Cancer

First Person

You’re the Best Mail-Order Bride I Could Ever Ask For I Dare You to Commit Suicide People Shouldn’t Laugh So Much by Craig Dorndoon, the Paranoid Teenager Behold, My Tree-Sized Penis! Whose Old Man Is This? Son, You Are Not Very Important or Handsome At All I’m Sorry About Your Husband, But What Are You Doing Tonight? It Would Be So Cool to Find All of Those Missing Kids Did Either of You Ladies Think to Ask if I Wanted This Threesome? by Jeremy Thantery My, Those Black People Sure Are a Bunch of Racists by Bea Thamilton The More Shit I Put on My Car, the More Pussy I Get! by Ju Yamkizo This Beauty Pageant MUST Go On! What Will My Son-of-a-Bitch Father Think Up Next? by Spoiled Bitch, Tracy Geautreaux I’m Sick and Tired of Taking Baths with My Sister by Barry Furkleton (brother) I Think Ants Are Biting Me, But I’m Not Sure I Have This Really Cool Idea for a Dream I Want to Have Get to Know a Crazy and Wild Sorority Girl Gee, This All-Guy Game of ‘Spin-the-Bottle’ Turned Out a Lot Gayer than I Expected It To by Jason Bolivier What Am I Going to Do With This Time Machine? The   Button On My  eyboard Won't Wor  by evin Clar There Just Aren’t Enough Commercial Breaks in a Day! by Patty Pringles Someone Give Me a Hand, Because I Haven’t Got Any! I Don’t Care How Trendy It Is, Get Your Hands Out of My Anus! Danny is a Good Guy to Talk to…Sometimes Look Out Your Window and Think of Me Help! I Need New Pockets! by Pair of Old Pants I Had a Great Time Taking Your Virginity Last Night Every Day is Flag Day For Me by Kay Hineswob It's Weird That Nobody Else is Online Tonight My Life Sucks! by Spoiled Bitch Tracy Geautreaux Hey, I'm Only Half-Japanese! I’m Trying to be Nice to You, You Miserable Piece of Shit! What I Did on My Summer Vacation by Blastoise the Pokemon Toy How I Became Clerk of Court by Rhode Island Clerk of Court, Nathan Thannery If Only I Could Remember What I Learned at Flashlight Training Academy No Matter What Happens, I’ll Always Have Your Kurt Loder Poster Collection by Justin I Can't Feel My Legs! Sometimes I Do Questionable Things On Purpose This $10 K-Mart Gift Card is Not Worth All This Extra Shit I've Been Put Through

Food

Cajun Man Kicks Spicy Chicken Sandwich’s Ass Tuna Population at All-Time Low, Apathy About Tuna Population at All-Time High Dippin’ Dots Not Ice Cream of Future Reports Man from Future Outback Steakhouse to Enforce Rules for First Time Fat, Retarded High School Loser Discovers Newfound Popularity, Employment at Arby's TCBY Originals Notice Definite Difference in New Flavor’s Attitude Big Cheez-It Causes Problems Among the Young Woman Thinks She Does a Pretty Good Imitation of Chili’s Song Dr. Pepper Expresses Hatred for Mr. Pibb Flavor-Ice: The Future of Mankind?

Generic News

Winning Team Full of Emotion After Winning Breaking News: People Scared of Being Hurt! Man Refuses Interview Study: Lazy, Obese, Ugly People Not as Desirable as Successful, Healthy, Attractive People

Religion

God to Stop Blessing Sneezers Popeless World Plunges Into Chaos Pope Sleeps Through Yet Another Christ Film Christ Disappointed AOL Screen Name Already Taken Detroit Shell Station Still Mistaken for "Hell" ‘God Bless America’ No Longer a Song

People

Pirates Upset Over Positive Portrayal by Mascots and Theme Park Rides Thong-a-Thon Raises Underwear for Needy, Slutty Girls Father-Son Story Not Inspirational at All Boy Killed One Week Before Becoming Eagle Scout Baby Girl Dies Seconds After Having Head Removed Group of Drunk Guys Confident That They are Cool Float Crushes Child, Man Shot over Doubloon, Mardi Gras 2004 a Roaring Success Kenneth Kameron Kersh: ‘Initials a Real Nuisance’ Masturbating Session Ruined by Picture of Family Victim’s Family Refuses to Let Killer Kill Its Spirit Local White Trash Guy Doesn’t Find Mullets Very Funny Kid Makes Bad Firefighter Standup Comic’s Shitty Routine Ruins Relationship Family and Friends Sort of Remember Dead Student Hobos' Gathering Not the Party it Used to Be Couple Could Either Finish Watching TV Show or Not Kidnapped Girl Escapes from Michael Bolton Man Finds New Method of Survival, Another Man Now Missing Trailer Park 'Most Likely' Polluted   Boy Develops Super Power While in Shower People Tired of Reading About People in People Ruston Woman Protests Outrageous Creamed Corn Prices Man Upset Over Dogs Getting Out Again Stupid Wife Makes Husband Furious Girl Thinks She Redefines Herself During Spring Break Trip Arkansas Man Killed with Kindness Killer Candy Not A Choke for Some Kids Virtual Pet Killed By Ruthless Murderer Pothole Fills Void in Young Teens’ Lives Reporter Clark Kent Has Multiple Personality Disorder: Takes Leave of Absence from Daily Planet Guava, Kiwi the Secret to Massive Testes Stupid Guys Starting Up Another Satire Website Mr. Bubbles Admits to Crazy Fetish Now is the Time to Get Your X-Mas Sweaters! 3rd Base Reached a Record 9 Times During Prom by Steve Stevens Man with Gerbil in Ass Swears He Isn't Gay, Merely Strange Gerbil Antics by Steve Stevens

Sports

NBA Imposes Strict 'No Raping or Cocaine Before Games' Policy U.S. Women's Softball Team Celebrates Victory at T.G.I.Friday's I Guess Wearing This Yankees Hat Makes Me a Yankees Fan! Hulk Hogan Preparing to Unleash Fury on the Donut Industry Hot Results from Stone Cold Steve Austin’s House Show Last Night! Fake Trashcans Being Misused as Real Trashcans Ray Allen Sinks Basket Worth Three Points by Steve Stevens Entire Synchronized Swimming Team Lost

Technology/Business

Study: Lab Monkeys Love Ecstasy Scientists Revise Equation for Happiness Moron Changes His Name to Gator.com Man Regrets Selling E-mail Account Weiner’s Sale Invaded by Low-Income Families Farkers Denounce Lame Satire Link… Again BigFatNastyCocks.org to Call it Quits BMG-Columbia House War Reaches Epic Heights Pointless Charities Beg for Donations Online Orthodontist Patient, Ready for Patients Frank’s Biscuit and Bicycle Repair Shop to be Closed for Valentine’s Day New Divorce Ceremonies on the Rise Local Burger King Manager Says McDonald’s Sucks Wonder World Introduces World’s Least Enjoyable Roller Coaster Gary Suing Just Brads 23 Sperm Still Missing from Sperm Bank Moussey Gel Hair Spray Cream a Hit New Spermicidal Lipstick Sparks Riot New Piano Therapy Works Wonders Birth Control Manufacturer Fined for Lacing Products with Live Sperm

Multi-Perspective

I Got Some Assholes Cleaning My Shirt! I Can Fit 10,000 Cheerios in My Mouth! I’m gonna run for Governor of this Wal-Mart! I’m very interested in being your friend! So many things make my penis feel funny! Just because I’m a blood-sucking vampire doesn’t mean you have to try to kill me.

Leftovers

The Grossest, Crudest Article Ever #2 “I-HOP” This Breakfast is Delicious! The Grossest, Crudest Article Ever #1 Something Evil Lurking Beneath Chicago’s Surface Iron Man Says Kids Need Bigger Guns Studio8.net Announces New Article Vicious Dogs Need a Good Home Police Accidentally Foil Goat-Fondling Party Oh Hearty Mutton, Why Do You Hurt Me So Good? Skeleton Man Solves Another Case Back to Online Main