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Editorial
So lately I've been studying this new cola marketing ploy called MyCokeRewards. I don't pay much attention to advertising (unless it's an ad for oh, I don't know, my stupid book or something), but once someone pointed out this new Coke campaign to me, I just couldn't get it out of my head. For those of you who are either too aloof or intelligent to know what the MyCokeRewards system is, I'll post the official Coca-Cola definition of it:
Notice what words they put in bold in that. It's so subtle and hard to resist! So let's pretend that you're stupid and that you're actually enrolling in this terrible bloated corporation-promoting program. First you "register" on the official website, giving the Coca-Cola company your birth date and email address so their marketing people can reach you at all times for the rest of your over-caffeinated, sugar-soaked life. Then you drink a butt-load of Coke and save all your little red plastic caps and feverishly count them to see what kind of shitty Coke-advertising prize you're entitled to.
Initially, this bothered me
simply because I knew some people would get really excited
about this worldwide promotion/scheme/scam/desperate attempt to get
rich while making Americans fatter and/or crazier (for all the Diet
Coke drinkers). However, little did I know that millions of
people would get excited about this idiotic thing. Do a Google
search and you'll find hundreds of forums (like
this or
this) crammed with half-wits praising this marketing program
and planning out their glorious, soon-to-be-collected Coca-Cola
fortunes. Then, of course, I found people selling these codes on eBay. I know, people sell everything on eBay and there are thousands of bad jokes about that fact, but this is more stupid than usual. For instance, one auction was selling 50 "coded" bottle caps and the bidding was up to $35 with a couple of days left for the morons to continue their bidding war. After shipping, this will probably be closer to $40. With $40, you can go to any bulk discount supermarket and get 50 20-oz. bottles of Coke. Why not just do that? "Because, Brock, you pompous asshole, I don't want to drink that much Coke. I'll never sleep and have lots of gross pimples." That's what you want to tell me, right? Well, I think that if you're buying into Coke's whole concept of getting REWARDED for being such a brand-loyal consumer and drinking that much Coke, you should REALLY BE DRINKING that much Coke. You should have to provide pictures or videos or signed witness affidavits proving that you drank 20,000 Coke products in one year and that you are indeed deserving of the 4 Day, 3 Night Geneva Spa Package. But whatever, make money off the thousands of douchebags willing to buy dirty, useless plastic container lids on the internet. Knock yourself out. Quick bucks are fun to make, so I can't deny that temptation. And God bless the inbred American knack for selling knick-knacks and pieces of their own shit to their simple-minded brethren. However, somehow I knew there was something even more retarded lurking beneath the surface of this thing, so I did some number-crunching and fine print-scanning. Bear with me folks, cuz here's when it gets real math-y and consequently, more hair-brained and entertaining. As it turns out, Coke only allows each dedicated participant to turn in 10 codes per day. The caps are each worth 3 points, so 10 caps = 30 points a day. The 12-pack box codes are worth 10 points each, so theoretically, if you had 10 of those every day, you could log in 100 points a day. This, of course, means you drink 120 Cokes a day. Right... Anyway, this abomination of a contest began on February 27, 2006 and ends on January 17, 2007. That's less than 365 days - let's just say 330 because I don't feel like counting. This means that the most codes you could ever turn in if you had been collecting diligently since Day 1 of the promotion, is 33,000 points. Keep that number in mind when you reach the bottom of my list below. Also, keep in mind that the average 12-pack of Coke costs $5, so every 10 points is $5 you gave the Coca-Cola Corporation. Now let's look at some prizes and their respective costs in Coke points, shall we? Beneath all of these prizes I will list the actual estimated cost of "winning" this prize, assuming that you won using the $5 12-pack codes.
- A year of free Coke -
200 points - This one has actually been discontinued because,
sadly and not surprisingly enough, so many people already chose it
as their prize. Essentially, you would get vouchers good for one
24-pack of Coke every month for 12 months. Yep, that's not even
technically a full year of Coca-Cola. And how much would you really
be paying for this too-sweet luxury?
-
Coca-Cola and American Idol branded
Bean Bag chair - 520 points - This
one's pretty simple - What do you get when you take 3 white-trash
staples (in this case, poor diet, lousy entertainment programs, and
cheap furnishings), and add them all together? The answer: The
Coca-Cola & American Idol branded Bean Bag chair!
-
$200 Sony Style® Gift Card
- 1,600 points - OK, this one seems like a good deal, but I'll
just let the numbers speak for themselves. Over time, if you're not
going out and buying extra Cokes just to win this, then yeah, it's
one of the least offensive prizes. But still...
-
30 Days of Fitness Plus Five
25 Minute Sessions of Personal Training - 1,600 points -
Hahahahahahahahaha!
-
A really cool autographed NASCAR leather
jacket - 3,600 points - So after buying more
Cokes than an average American family could possibly consume in one
month, you'll get this nerdy-looking thing! Most Americans will be
lured to this prize by the words "priceless" "100% leather" and
"trendy collar" in its description. Let me re-phrase what this
really is - some marginally-famous people wrote all over some
gaudily-colored cow-flesh with beverage ads pasted on it. Now how
does that fantastic prize sound?
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Six Flags Friends & Family VIP Party
for 10 - 4,000 points -
This prize includes: "10 one-day admission tickets,
10 free parking coupons, and $10 per person of free food and
beverage certificates." Where in there are the fucking terms "VIP"
or "party" justified? 10 free parking coupons? All right, everybody
gets to drive their own SUV out to Six Flags and we won't have to
pay for shit (except for lots of overpriced gasoline)! Wooooweeee!
-
Enjoy 4 Days and 3 Nights Lodging for
2 at Tenaya - 5,760 points - Awesome!
We get to FLY OR DRIVE OURSELVES out to this remote lodge and then
we get a few free meals and we get to sleep in a room that is pretty
much like the one we sleep in every night at home. But, hey, all that nature will
be right outside our door, scaring and intimidating us the whole
time while we watch pay-per-view movies and complain about how
remote this lodge is! Also, this prize package is not redeemable
during any of the months or holidays in which we'd like to use it,
such as the 4th of July weekend and many other summer days! Come on,
honey, let's pick this one!
-
1956 Replica Coca-Cola Vending
Machine - 18,500 points -
What a great way to waste some cubic footage in your
house! It's like having a second refrigerator, but it can only hold
a small number of beverages of a certain size! And it makes your
electricity bill go up! For a real treat, don't plug it in at all
and let it collect dust in the garage! Your children will have fun
selling it when you die. Uh-oh. "Warning: This machine does not
contain Coca-Cola product!" Crap! You'll have to stock it yourself.
Wouldn't it be cute to fill it up with Coca-Cola brand products? You betcha!
- eCoupon for
a Sony® 40" BRAVIA™ LCD HDTV - 20,000
points - A TV? Fuck! Wait. A big TV? Holy shit! I need that!
Give me that! I can watch even more football and game shows if I
have a bigger TV!
-
Red Coca-Cola couch from American Idol
- 56,000 points - There's only one of these prizes to give away,
but it doesn't matter because you could never ever never ever never
save up enough points to win it! There aren't enough days in the
contest to win this. It's a mathematical impossibility. Yay! Let's keep watching that
fucking lame waste of a TV show and fantasize about having the couch
that all the American Idol losers farted on in the living
room of our very own double-wide trailer! Yeehaw! There are countless other prizes that I'd love to ridicule, but I don't have the time or energy for it, and I doubt you have the attention span for it. I don't either, so don't feel bad (if you're even reading this by now). Hopefully, all the Coca-Cola images I sprinkled throughout this piece have served their purpose and kept you transfixed to this screen, leading you further and further down the page like Elliot leading E.T. into his bedroom with all those yummy Reese's Pieces candies. On a side note, when you watch that scene in E.T., don't you just think, "Well, if they're good enough for that gross, scary turd-monster thing to gobble up, they must be good enough for me," or am I alone in these thoughts?
In summation of my anti-MyCokeRewards
ranting, I'll say that I've seen people digging through garbage cans
for Well, essentially, I do spend a vast amount of my time engaged in somewhat constructive pursuits, many of which you hopefully have enjoyed or will soon enjoy on this website and a few other places. Right now, Cracked.com is digging some things I've written. Break Entertainment wants Studio 8 to produce funny videos for them over the summer and maybe beyond. And there are other deals and projects in the works... Yes, there is a very weird sheen coating these recent positive developments at Studio8.net because Chris Trew (the founder of this site) is not here in LA with the rest of us and isn't involved in all these exciting projects. But he's figuring out his own stuff with a different group of people in Texas. Truston's not around, either, which is also a flurpy-flurp* kind of situation. However, I'm lucky enough to have met other funny people, and aside from the usual Studio 8 knuckleheads, I am collaborating with wonderful comedians like Sean Patton, Rory Windhorst, Eric Pierson, and the ever-talented director Mark Landry. Things in general are just fantastic around these parts. In addition to the money I make at my real job on a film (which is better than anything I ever worked on in New Orleans), I'm getting paid (very little, mind you) to do what I like to do (things) and I can honestly say I'm the happiest I've ever been and I'm producing work that I'm sincerely proud of. I don't know what else I could ask for at his point, except maybe 432 more MyCoke Rewards caps so I can get that elegant XXXXL "Mmm Mmm, Coke is Yum-Yum" T-shirt I've been drooling over for 6 weeks. Bottom line, I'm happy and feeling pretty, despite the sinister efforts of the Coca-Cola corporation and all the rest of you haters out there. That's the totally unrelated and useless lesson of this lovely rant. But hey, thanks for reading this and thanks for stopping by our corner of the web. Tell a friend about us and take care of yourself. Peace. * - "Flurpy-flurp" is not an actual word or phrase and should be treated as such. |
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these silly codes, begging for them on Craigslist in every city, and
I've even heard stories of children neurotically collecting bags of
red bottle caps in their schools. Does any of this not piss you
off like it does me? Am I just bitter because I don't drink enough
Coca-Cola products to afford any of the larger prizes? Shouldn't I
be utilizing my free time in a more constructive, creative, and less
whiny manner?
