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Oh I Am So Cool Now, Let Me Tell You
by Brock LaBorde
March, 2006
Guess who's got scabies?
Certainly not me, but I bet someone out there does. Hey! Now that
I've thoroughly captured your attention with that kick-ass intro, I
suppose I should provide you with some kind of hilarity or wisdom
that can magically transform your Shitty Day into a Slightly Below
Average Day. Hey, and maybe in the process my day can go from being
Frightfully Fantastic to Drastically Delightful. Come join me!
Wheeee!
So that ol' Hurricane Katrina
bitch is half a year behind us, and the gentlemen* of Studio 8
Entertainment are no longer in Survival Mode and have progressed to
a relatively comfy zone, back on our feet and ready to create
creative creations for you people. Speaking of which, you should
really check out
this awesome video by a
juggling mime dancer named Ken Create.
Enough of that nonsense. And
back to my blubbery mouth blabbing at you for another 10 minutes.
Many of you have read my
first guide to LA. If not, you may do so now and then
return to this paragraph. I will wait for you...
Ok, now that we're all on the
same webpage, let's dig into business, shall we? I'm about to teach
you how to be cool. Because I am WAY cool. And you're going to think
I'm even cooler when I'm done making you cool. Cool? Cool.
Brock's Semi-Official Guide to Los Angeles
Part #2: How to Be Cool Without Letting Anyone Else Know How Cool
You Are
The following information
could save your life. It could also end your life if you print it
out and fashion a sword out of the paper and then stab yourself with
it. 11 out of 7 doctors and 0 out of 12 lawyers recommend that you
refrain from doing that. 1 out of 1 writers asks you to enjoy this
steaming pile of writing that you're reading. You're about to learn
how to be cool, but so subliminally cool that nobody will even
notice that you're cool. That's the coolest you could ever be. Peep
this shit, yo. These are my Cool Rules:
Cool Rule #1. Strut your stuff.
When you walk around the city of Hollywood, periodically you'll see little piles
of things on the ground - clothes, empty food containers, bags,
soiled bedding materials, baggies, broken Hulk Hogan cassette tapes.
You know, the usual stuff. LA is practically blanketed with such
piles of unclaimed items. Maybe they are the result of a trash bag
breaking, maybe they belong to various homeless people who forget
where they left all their meager possessions, I don't know. All I
know is that if you have lots of "things" you are cool. So when I
see piles like this, I sit by them for a while and when someone
walks by, I scream, "Hey man! Look at my stuff!" That's if they're a
man. If they're a chick, I don't say anything. I just point at the
pile with one hand and root around in the filthy mess with the
other. Sometimes people think I'm so cool, they throw money at me.
That's when you really know you're the coolest - people give you
things for free when they already know that you have lots of things.
This rule's worth in Cool Points: 42
Cool Rule #2. Order the right sandwiches.
Sometimes when I'm hanging out with
Jared, we
eat lunch together. Many times during these lunches, Jared ends up
ordering a sandwich that he doesn't like. For instance, the other
day, he ordered a BLT and had no idea that it was just bacon,
lettuce, and tomato on bread. He got mad at how stupid the sandwich
was and before I could stop him, he was punching the sandwich and
saying a lot of mean things to it. Once he even accidentally ordered
a sandwich with mayonnaise on it. Dorkville. So while Jared was
belittling his BLT, everyone was looking at me like I was an idiot.
Thinking fast, I pretended to choke on a potato chip and somebody
called an ambulance. After I was carried out the door, I hopped off
the gurney and ran down the street, leaving that nerd Jared to eat a
big sandwich of my burnt sneaker rubber! With mayonnaise on it! I
stepped in mayonnaise that day.
This rule's worth in Cool Points: 8
Cool Rule #3. Ignore the Hollywood sign.
That thing just sits up there like the
bleached white bones of some great dinosaur who had to take its last
tragic nap on the side of the mountain above the prehistoric cesspit
that would later become the pretentious cesspit of Hollywood. But
this dead word-shaped skeleton isn't quiet - it calls to you. It
wants you to look at it, to worship it. It is the Grand Idol of
Coolness. But the way you pay homage to the sign is not by
sacrificing domesticated animals to it, nor does it involve singing,
chanting, or praying. All you have to do is ignore the fuck out of
it, just like you'd ignore some chick that you were trying to meet
in a club. Who looks at the sign and takes pictures of it and visits
it and pets it? Tourists and demented senior citizens. And the
British. They can't get enough of the Hollywood sign. They think
it's made out of biscuits. But you, you're cool, so you will pay it
no heed.
This rule's worth in Cool Points: 27
Cool Rule #4. Blog more than you think you should.
Blogging should be a part of your daily routine, like flossing your
teeth, slapping children, or intensely hating yourself to the point
of retching. But what do you blog about? Well, what did you and all of your hip friends do
last weekend? What are you going to do next weekend? What do you
think of the latest Call of Duty: Badges of Metal game for XBOX 360?
I don't know any of these answers because you don't have a blog
where you write all of that stuff down! How else do you expect all
the internet geeks to keep track of your inconsequential daily
routines and whimsically changing opinions about consumer products
and entertainment offerings? There are some days where I do nothing
but blog. Of course, don't let anyone else read your blog and don't
go back and read your old ones. That's gay, and gay isn't cool. Ask
any bigot or Jesus. They'll tell you.
FYI: MySpace does count as a blog, as long as you use it exclusively
for blogging purposes.
This rule's worth in Cool Points: 10
Cool Rule #5. Slaughter a family of five in cold
blood.
This one's a little tricky to pull off on a
daily or weekly basis, but it's also one of the most significant
Cool Rules to follow because of its big pay-off in Cool Points. But
if you're having trouble believing me about this one, just go to
your local library or wherever they keep dorky things like books.
You'll see that history is full of cool serial killers who wound up in the limelight
of coolness for murdering innocent, God-fearing families for no
reason at all. Plus, that weird lispy Truman Capote fellow did it and look
at him now, winning Golden Oscar Globes and hanging out with that
hot babe from Being John's Malkovich. What's next for that
Capote guy
- a book deal? That reminds me, I really need to finish watching the last hour and 55
minutes of that movie...
This rule's worth in Cool Points: 400,000
Cool Rule #6. Immerse yourself in the thrilling
world of
Heroscape.
What do cool people play? Games, of course. But one game in
particular - the action adventure RPG strategy board game from
Hasbro that is earthquaking the gaming world by storm! Sure you can
defend your Obelisk from 3 Cyborg Hunter action figurines, but can
you also deflect the massive fireball damage from Drakkar the Dragon
while doing so? That's the kind of cool shit you'll be up to your
elbows in if you start playing Heroscape! You think movie and
rock stars only play Celebrity Poker? Here's a brief list of today's
hottest celebrities who have been spotted at Heroscape
tournaments: Kevin Federline, Jay Leno, Damon Wayans, the dad from
American Pie, Refrigerator Perry, and Nickelodeon's Rugrats.
Wouldn't you love to rub elbows with that crowd? Boy, there sure
lots of elbows in this paragraph! Hey, there will be lots of elbows
in your face if you don't start acting cooler than you are now!
FYI: Playing Heroscape can be tough on your elbows,
especially if you play under your bed like I usually have to do so
my roommates won't see me doing it.
This rule's worth in Cool Points: 950
This concludes the second episode of "Bringing the 'You'
Out of Yourself: A Spiritual Journey Into a Man's Heart" starring Brock LaBorde.
Hopefully, you will have learned enough about being cool and living
in LA so I don't have to write a third installment to this crappy
series. I mean, I probably will, even if you don't need it. I have
nothing better to do, except for hanging out with all of my cool
friends, feeling cooler than most people in the world, and being a
cool dude in general.
If you have anything to add or
subtract from this list, feel free to email that to me, although I'd
prefer you do that in the next five minutes before I forget all
about this website and you and my pills that the doctor says I have
to take or I start to ramble on and on about inconsequential
subjects like property taxes, doodoo, and Pizza Hut's new Snacker
Pizzas.
* - The term "gentlemen" here is being used loosely and carelessly
by the lazy son-of-a-bitch author and its use does not imply,
certify, or speculate that any employee or direct associate of
Studio 8 Entertainment is indeed, or ever has been or has even
known, a true gentleman. However, you can buy and read
my book and learn all about
gentlemen.
PS - A Tiny Serious Miniature Studio 8 Update:
We're living in a house on a mountain and we're actually making
great friends and having fun at our jobs and living unbelievably fun
and interesting lives and we have this huge backlog of adventures to
undertake out here, but we're doing our best to make it through
everything in a timely fashion. An epic short film, some new
sketches, an album from Crash, live comedy shows, and hundreds of
broken promises are all in the works. Decently-sized movie news
coming at you this summer. We're cooking up lots of fun things that
will blow out your grill, so check back with us often. Or else.
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